Silence and Omens, Doubts and Wisdoms

wpid-IMG_20130310_142938.jpgLately I find myself wanting to shut up more and more.

I think back and so much of what I’ve said over the course of my life seems like such utter and complete bull.  There was a time when I believed in all kinds of things I no longer believe, when I espoused things I no longer espouse.

I think, “Is there a day coming when I’ll be ashamed of what I’m doing and saying right now?”

A friend asked me for advice on a project and half way through my email reply I received an omen: a huge black crow flew into the window and I jumped out of my skin.  I took it as a warning to shut my mouth.  I stopped typing, told him to ignore my advice and do his own thing.  Now I worry that I might have hurt his feelings.

Of the many people have I have influenced in my life, how many have been positively influenced, and how many negatively?  Do the positive influences outweigh the negative?

I find myself wondering if something I’ve said, or might say in the future, could have made someone decide not to create something beautiful.  Then I think, who am I to presume that I’ve had any influence at all?

I’m a writer, a talker, an influencer, a teacher.  It’s what I do, it seems to be in my DNA.  When I was 8 years old I was reading books about bugs and teaching the other neighborhood boys which ones were which.  At 15 I started my first novel and started teaching my friends how to play D&D.  Forty years later and only the subject matter has changed.  Lately what I’m doing now seems childish and pointless.

Is this wisdom or doubt?  I guess that remains to be seen.

3 responses to “Silence and Omens, Doubts and Wisdoms

  1. Rachel Izabella

    This is a somewhat melancholy post but a wise and beautiful one. Thank you for the food for further ruminations.

  2. Peter Alexander Vaughn

    Words of wisdom, and wisdom that can only be had through maturity. Well done.

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